Volume 19, Number 4 October Fall 2024
The Loving Leader of the Home
Eph. 5:23-33
“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
Introduction
There’s nothing unusual about houses being characterized by certain aromas. In fact, all houses have ordors. A new house has a fresh aroma and a newly painted house has a unique aroma of something clean. Those living within their house become so accustomed to their aroma that they eventually pay no attention to the unique smell. When a visitor enters some houses, they may think that it smells like a kennel, a greasy spoon café or perhaps even a septic tank, while some smell of cigarette smoke, disinfectant spray, some flavor of a room deodorizer, a pleasant bakery, an appealing restaurant, or perhaps moldy and musty. Not only does the HOUSE in which your family resides possess an aoma, but so does the HOME which makes up the household of individuals. As we think about family life, how would you describe the spiritiual aroma of your family? Spiritually speaking, does your family life smell like something has crawled under the refrigerator and died, or does it smell like a sweet pastry shop?
Offensive odors are sometimes hard to get rid of, both in the House and especially in the Home! However, Scripture teaches how Christians can give off a pleasing aroma to God.Ephesians 5:2 describes it this way, “And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a scacrifie to God for a sweetsmelling savour.” From the example of “Christ,” we can learn how to give off “a sweetsmelling savour.” The Greek word, “savour” is OSME (os-may) which means odor, smell, or aroma. Whenever we “walk in love” that is sacrificial, we imitate the “love” with which “Christ also hath loved us” which is considered by the Father to be a pleasant “sweetsmelling savour.” A genuine Christ-like HOME will have an atmosphere that produces this type of spiritual aroma. Being harsh, unkind, resentful, abusive, violent, neglectful to ech other, and disobedient to God’s “word” is not walking “in love.” Just as “children” (Eph. 6:1) learn from their parents, we need to learn from the example of Jesus how to put “love” into action. Attending marriage seminars and reading marriage manuals may be helpful, but that alone cannot produce a godly aroma in the HOME. Displaying a Bible on a coffee table collecting dust doen’t ward off evil spirits. Unless “husbands” and “wives” are committed to each other in the Lord and dedicated to seek God’s will through His Word there will be no godly obedience which produces an appealing aroma unto the Lord.
In order for an orgnization to function effectively, the leadership roles must be properly defined. What is true of an organization is also true in the marriage relationship according to Holy Scripture. In our text, we learn that the “husband” has been assigned by God the responsibility of being a loving leader, not a tyrant or hateful dictator. His Chistian role as a leader is a stated fact and his role as a lover is a godly command (I Cor. 11:3, Col. 3:18-19).
The Husband as a Leader (v. 23-24)
Scripture clearly says that “the husband” is intended to be God’s divinely appointed “head” of the Christian HOME (v.23). This verse doesn’t describe how the “husband”ought to be the “head of the wife,” but states by divine decress that he is “is the head of the wife.” For a man to fail in his obedience to God in this role means that he is a miserable failure as a husband to his wife and father to his chidren. The word “head” in the Greek is KEPHALE (kef-al-ay) which means supreme, chief, or prominent. This should never give a husband the “big head,” but it ought to frighten the living daylights out of him to realize the responsibilitiy that God has placed upon his shoulders. Being the ”head”doesn’t mean that he’s not to talk things over with his “wife” nor consider her feelings, but it does mean that he’s to take the leadership initiative in decision making by first and foremost consulting with Almightly God and seeking His will. This cannot be done without the “husband” being a student of God’s Word and being a man of prayer. It’s been said that the feminist of our day wants to do everthing that a man can do except grow a mustache. They are the ones who will dislike such teachings from God’s Word and reject the concept that the leadership role in the HOME is the responsibility of the “husband.” It’s so very sad to find such few husbands who are striving to meet God’s standards along these lines.
The “husband” reading this message, may be a good leader or a poor leader, but whatever kind you are will have a profound and definite influence upon your “wife” and children. A big problem we’re facing in the institutionalzed “church” today is the wimping out of Christian men. These men refuse to accept and fail to carry out the spiritual leadership that God has called them to render. In this passage, God paints a picture of how “Christ is the head of the church,” by pointing us to the husband-wife relationship. A godly “husband” will be one that is growing in the Lord, leading his family spiritually, and able to give direction and council from the Word of God (I Cor. 14:35). Being “the head of the wife” encompasses several different responsibilities bestowed upon the shoulders of “the husband.”
First and foremost, it means that he is to be the spiritual leader of the Home (Gen. 18:17-19). This cannot be if he is not a student of God’s Word and growing in the Faith. God expects him to set the spiritual tone for his family. How sad it is that most “husbands” fail to do this, but it’s foundational to all other aspects of his leadership role. His “wife” and “children” should know that “Christ” and “the church” are important by the example he sets in Bible Reading, Prayer, and Holy Conduct.
Secondly, “the husband” is to be the provider for his family (I Tim. 5:8). Paul’s words recorded in First Timothy deals with the care of “widows” within the local assembly and involves good money management. However, the truth of this passage can certainly be applied to the household in general. As “head” of the Home, “the husband” is to meet the financial needs of his family and teach his “children” how to give their tithes and offerings unto the Lord and spend money wisely. Not only should “the husband” provide material support for his famiy, but his time, and attention. It’s good for him to have a good work ethic, but he should never ignor his wife and children. Time should always be made for them!
Thirdly, in order to qualify for a leadership position in the local “church,” a man must learn how to “rule his own house” (I Tim. 3:4-5,12). This concept of ruling doesn’t give a man the right to be a domineering dictator or hateful tyrant. This Greek word for “rule” is PROISTEMI (pro-is-tay-mee) which means to be over, superintend, or preside over. A wise “husband” will discover the abilities of his “wife” and “children,” then respectfuly consider and use them in the Home. If a man’s Home is not in spiritiual order, he should never be given a place of leadership in the “church.”
Fourthly, “the husband” should exercise good judgment and extend “honour unto the wife” (I Pet. 3:7). A compassionate considerate “husband” will have “knowledge” of the family’s needs and a desire to meet those needs. He should put as much energy into his famiy as he does getting ahead on the job. In public and in private, the “wife” is to be respected and not downgraded because, as believers, they are “heirs together of the grace of life” (Gal. 3:28). Failure to properly “honour” one’s “wife” can hinder his “prayers” from being heard. This Greek word for “honour” is TIME (tee-may) which means to value or reverence.
Both “husbands” and “wives” are expected to be Christ-like in their demeanor toward one another (v. 24). This business of submission is not a one-way street between the “husband” and “wife,” but a cooperative “submitting … one to another in the fear of God” (v.21-22). God’s expectations of the “wife” is to be “subject” to a godly “husband”and “reverence” (v.33) him (I Pet. 3:7). Being the “weaker vessel” doesn’t diminish her value or worth, but speaks of her position in the rank of authority within the Home.“Reverence” is the Greek word PHOBE (fob-eh-o) and refers to respect. Nowhere in Scripture does the Bible teach inferiority of women nor their subjection to all men, but to their “own husbands.” Being married to a man to whom she cannot be biblically submissive is most likely caused by being “unequally yoked” (II Cor. 6:14-18). That is, a saved believer married to an unbeliever. Therefore, it’s best for a Christian not even to consider dating an unbeliever lest they fall in love and discover the consequences afterward. The creation order (Gen. 2:18) tells us that “Adam” was not created for “Eve,” but “Eve” for “Adam” (I Cor. 11:8-9). God has built into the “husband” the need of respect, and into the ”wife” the need of “love.” That doesn’t mean they both don’t need the same thing because they ought to show love and respect to one another in their submission to one another.
The Husband as a Lover (v. 25-33)
Let’s see what the nature of a husband’s “love” ought to look like (v.25-27). He ought to “love” God which will cause him to “love his wife” and family. A husband’s “love” for his “wife” should be patterned after Christ’s “love” for “the church.” The Greek word “love”used in our text, is AGAPA which expresses “love” to it’s greatest degree. It’s a “love” that can only be known by those who personally know God’s “love” by “grace … through faith” (Eph. 2:8-9) in the Lord Jesus Christ. Listen carefully to First John 3:16, “Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” Can you not understand why a woman would not want to be submissive and obedient to a man who loves her enough to die for her? A husband is expected by God to “love” his wife that much! The passage in the epistle of First John is referring to “the brethren,” meaning all believers, but can you not relate that in a special way to the “husband” and “wife” relationship as you study our text in Ephesians 5?
Because of the divine nature of this “love,” we learn that being “filled with the spirit” (Eph. 5:18) is a prerequisite. In order for the Christian “husband” to “love” his “wife”according to God’s command, he must be controlled by the “Holy Spirit” (Rom. 5:5). God’s imperative to “husbands” is for them to “love your wives even as Christ loved the church.” Therefore, God paints for us a word picture of the kind of leader in the Home that God wants the “husband” to be. It’s not a harsh tyrant, but a lover (Mk. 12:31). We’ll have to admit that this sounds like a TALL order, but so is the Christian Life to which God has called His People.
Jesus Christ Himself is the husband’s pattern for loving his “wife.” Scripture also calls His “church” His “bride” (Rev. 21:9) and spoke of the “marriage supper of the Lamb” (Rev.19:9). Therefore, Scripture makes it clear on numerous occasions that “Christ”Himself is the husband’s pattern for loving his “wife” and from His high price that He paid for His “church,” we discover just how costly “love” really is. Jesus “loved the church”so much that He died for her, even when we are sinful and unlovely. What “wife”would not be willing to “submit” (respond favorable) to a “husband” who “loved” her so much that he would literally die for her? A godly “husband” will often scrifice his personal wants for the needs of his “wife.” Desite her faults and failures, a godly “husband” will keep on loving his “wife.” An all-out effort must be put into keeing “love,” even romantic “love,”alive in the Home. The romantic attention given to courtshp should mature, but not diminish in marriage. Keeping short accounts of each other’s wrongs and failures and being willing to quickly forgive is a necessity in a healthy marriage where “love” prevails. It takes three to have a successful marriage, a husband and wife who are both committed to the LordJesus.
Just as “Christ also loved the church” purposefully, so should the “husband.” Christ’s purpose for loving “the church” was to “sanctifiy and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word” so that He could “present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy, and without blemish.” True beauty for a woman is not necessarily outward, but inward (I Tim. 1:29). Scripture doesn’t teach that it’s wrong to wear jewelry, but it does teach that a woman who has a lovely spirit is genuinely lovely (I Pet. 3:3-4). A woman who is beautiful outwardly, but unholy inwardly is a “stench” (Isa. 3:24) to the nostrils of God. The Christian “husband”who loves his “wife” will look for her internal beauty and will be concerned about her betterment and spiritual well-being.
Not only do we see what the nature of a husband’s “love” ought to be, but what the expression of that “love” ought to be (v.28-33). No “man” should want to neglect or abuse any part of his own body; therefore, he shouldn’t neglect or abuse his “wife.” This word “nourisheth” in the Greek is EKTREPHO (ek-tref-o) which means to feed, strengthen, and build up to maturity. The word “cherisheth” in the Greek is THALPO (thal-po) which speaks of an attitude of caring, looking out for, to cherish with tender love. Both of these two words are closely linked to the concept of biblical “jealously” (Ex. 34:14, II Cor. 11:2). “Jealousy” motivated by bitterness, resentment, and malice is wrong and destructive. But, when “jealousy” is motivated by “love” it is healthy and constructive.
It’s the responsibility of the “husband” to see that the “wife” is cared and provided for (Ex. 21:10-11). I’m well-aware of the fact that this sounds old fashioned to the world in which we live and is rejected by the vast majority. However, it doesn’t change the truth of Holy Scripture. I’m not saying that a woman cannot have her own interest, be industrious, and contribute to the income of the home. Scripture mentions Lydia in the book of Acts and sings the praises of the virtuous wife in Proverbs 31. However, whatever interest they have outside the home, must be, like that of the husband, for the best interest of the family. The “wife” is not to be treated like a piece of property, livestock, hired hand, or slave. A husband’s “love” for his ”wife” should be the same as what he would give “his own flesh.”
The physical consummation of the marriage relationship literally makes the “wife” a part of the “husband” and vice-versa (Gen. 2:24). The unconditional and unbreakable “love”that “Christ” has for “the church” (HIS BRIDE) should become that which a “husband”has for his “wife.” When Scripture speaks of being “joined unto his wife,” it speaks of an indivisible union that is intened to be permanent for life. Unfortunately, in our society with such a high divorce rate, sin has played havoc in many marriages and destroyed the foundation of family stability. In the Greek, the word “joined” is PROSKOLLAO (pros-kol-lah-o) which means to cleave, to glue, or stick together. God expects “husbands” and “wives” to meet each others sexual needs and be content with their own spouses for life(Prov. 5:15-19, I Cor. 7:3-4). That is His ideal! Unfortunately, there are many men who have consummated their marriage physically, but continue to act like eunuchs spiritually in the home because they are spiritually impotent.
Closing
As married couples read this passage of Scripture, we can rightly declare that it sounds impossible to fulfill. No married couple will ever completely live up to this ideal, but it is a goal after which we must strive regardless of how many years we live together as “husband” and “wife.” We can only advance to the standard set for us by growing in God’s grace, staying in the Word of God, praying for supernatural strength, remaining patient with our spouses, and staying focused on our living Lord. It’s all part of our sanctification as believers in the Lord Jesus Christ.
The type of “love” mentioned in this chapter of Ephesians is called a “great mystery”because one can only come to know it through a personal soul saving encounter with Jesus Christ. This” “love” is a “great mystery” because it’s a truth that is only revealed to those who are born into the family of God and walking in fellowship with Him. Unfortunately, it’s a “mystery” that so few married couples seem to have a yearning for today. The institution of marriage has come under such great satanic attack that very few couples can grasp the concept of this passage of Holy Scripture, even those who attend church services in the average institutionalize church of today. Not only is today’s divorce rate alarming, but so is the number of couples who attend a church service while living together outside the bounds of holy wedlock, and see nothing wrong with it. There is a lack of commitment in every area of life, not just marriage. The number of couples living together outside of holy wedlock and sex outside of marriage has become so acceptable for even teenagers that it’s rare to find virginitiy when it comes time for the wedding. However, such a lifestyle does not change the truth of God’s Word, regarding the sacredness of the marriage relationship. (Read my book on “The Sacredness of Sex” found on our website)
In a day when the majority of children will spend only part of their growing up years with only one parent at a time, it doesn’t change the fact that “children” need both their mother and father. Multitiudes of “children” today in the United States live in a one parent household. More than ever, single parents and wives of unsaved husbands need to look for a “Christ” honoring “church” to provide the spiritual resources for their “children.” Needless to say, the majority of homes today are in a tragic condition spiritually. Whenever a couple ignores the teaching of God’s Word for their marriage and the family, they do so at their peril. Unless there is a “love” for the Lord and a maturity in the Lord from both the “husband” and “wife,” there will be “love” and spiritiual maturity lacking in the home.
As I was writing this message for “The Traveling Pulpit,” our daughter told us a rather funny eposide that occurred at their house recently. We have the privilege of living next to them on a beautiful farm with plenty of cows and beautiful chickens. With that brief background, this is what she shared with us. For several days they realized that one of their chickens was missing and only assumed that a wild varmint of some kind had feasted off of it and destroyed the carcuss. It just so happened that one day when her husband was looking out their house window, he noticed a rooster which belonged to their neighbor on the adjoining property, was coming out of some brush near the property line. As he watched the rooster strutt his stuff, he began to notice additional movement in the brush and the closer he looked he realized that it was their lost hen that had been missing. Our daughter and her husband had several hens, but no rooster. Roosters can be rather mean and very protective over the hens. The rooster they had got so mean that he began to attack their granddaughter and their daughter-in-law. With that being the case, our grandson brought an end to the life of that rooster. They came to the conclusion that their missing hen had gone looking for love from another rooster that appeared to be very protective of her. She seemed to be enjoing it and all indiciation is that she found a new home.
Now, just what is the point of me relaying all of that to you in relationship to this passage of Scripture? It reminds me of how God has programed His creatures, chickens, birds, fish, cattle, etc., and yes, human beings. Men need women and women need men with each being programed by God to compliment one another unless a person has the “gift” of singleness (I Cor. 7:7-9). All of this could be a message unto itself, but the point I want to make is that even the animal kingdom respects and recognizes the difference between the sexes. I’ve said for years that from what I see, children are being raised and treated in many homes worse than animanls treat their offspring. For instance, just look at how a momma bear protects her cubs! Other illustrations can be given, but I hope you get the point. Not only do parents need to guard and protect their children, but husbands and wives need to love and cherish one another with that same spirit of protection and provision. In other words, that rooster was looking out for his new found hen better than many husbands of today look out for their wives. Likewise, this hen that took up with the newly discovered rooster found safety and provision that she had been lacking. Needless to say, hope you get the point. Many human beings today are living worse than animals in their treatment of one another and even their spouses and children. Human beings are even exchanging the natural use of sex for the unnatural (Rom. 1:26-27). Wake up! God’s judgement is falling upon this hellish world! Turn to Christ and know what it is to walk with Him and enjoy His best for you now and in the life to come. Repent of your sin and by faith believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved (Acts 16:31).
I leave you with the words of this beautiful OLD song written by B.B. McKinney. You just can’t beat these golden oldies. Pay close attention to the words. May this be your prayer and desire of your heart.
GOD GIVE US CHRISTIAN HOMES
- God, give us Christian homes!
Homes where the Bible is loved and taught,
Homes where the Master's will is sought,
Homes crowned with beauty Your love has wrought;
God, give us Christian homes;
God, give us Christian homes! - God, give us Christian homes!
Homes where the father is true and strong,
Homes that are free from the blight of wrong,
Homes that are joyous with love and song;
God, give us Christian homes;
God, give us Christian homes! - God, give us Christian homes!
Homes where the mother, in caring quest,
Strives to show others Your way is best,
Homes where the Lord is an honored guest;
God, give us Christian homes;
God, give us Christian homes! - God, give us Christian homes!
Homes where the children are led to know
Christ in His beauty who loves them so,
Homes where the altar fires burn and glow;
God, give us Christian homes;
God, give us Christian homes!